Mordancy Sarcasm Theater 4000 Episode 1
by Mordancy Sarcasm Theater 4000
Summary: An MSTing of perpetually awful fanfic. NSFW, or anywhere or thing, for that manner.


Mordancy Sarcasm theater 4000 By Tim Jewett

All belongs to whom it belongs to. Also, please don't sue me. Thank you Since this is the first episode, let's take a brief look at the characters involved.  
Tim: Me. The main guy and the reason everyone else is up here.  
Graham: My best bud. He gets hit with stuff a lot.  
MAX: A robot I designed. He's almost as perverted as I am.  
Zoom: Some little droid Graham built based on his DROIDWORKS game. Lucasarts should be calling any day now...

In the not too distant future.  
(Tim pops up and blasts the opening sequence with a missile)  
Tim: Let's get on with it, shall we?

***Satellite of Lust 4 PM***

MAX: Okay spill it, why are we in this thing?  
Graham: Yeah, tell us!  
Zoom: Do I have to join you guys?  
Tim: Ya really wanna know why?  
(Lots of nodding)  
Tim: I made a bet with Artlu. He sends us crappy movies and fanfics, and we haveta sit through them. The more, and the worse, movies/ 'fics we hafta sit through, the more money we all make. And no Zoom, you do NOT have to join us, just run the damn ship while we make snide comments about the 'fic.  
(The Comm unit buzzes before MAX and Graham can kill Tim for dragging them into this mess)  
Artlu: Ready, my little Guinea pigs? Your first fanfic is quite a doozy, a rather sick and twisted piece. I hope you enjoy it. Melvin, send them the movie!  
Melvin: Gotcha, Sir! Right away! Yup!  
(Tim dashes into the theater leaving Graham and MAX to catch up)  
(Door #7: It's a school banner. You burst through it onto a football field and keep going)  
(Door #6: It's a stone archway. You run through it and away from the giant boulder following you)  
(Door #5: It's too small for you. You swallow the contents of a bottle labeled "DRINK ME" and shrink small enough to pass through)  
(Door #4: It's a rug curtain. You push it aside and walk through)  
(Door #3: It's a painting. You swing it aside to reveal a hidden door)  
(Door #2: It scans your retinas, then lets you pass)  
(Door #1: It's a red ribbon. You cut it with huge scissors for the grand opening of the theater.)

Tim: Okay, let the mordancy, BEGIN!  
Graham: I hope this isn't too bad a 'fic MAX: Does this have sex in it I wanna see sex

"Artemis's lover"

Tim: unfortunately, it does (hands out barf bags)

by

Oscar allias"Artemis's lover"

MAX: What, Allias his last name or something?

E-mail=

Graham: He's gotta be sorry for putting that one in there Tim: Methinks we should send our mordancy to thee, so thou can see how much thou sucketh.

Author notes:

Hi, i'm Oscar, i'm 13 years old,

Tim: And already into pornographic writing?  
Graham: I thought that started at age 12!  
Tim: No that's intense masturbation, Graham.

and this is my little white companion, Artemis. Anyway Artemis & i, are much more than just amaster and a pet , its more like a human-cat relation.

Tim: And bestiality Graham: Pedophelia too?  
Tim: No, the author's mental age has no bearing on that matter MAX: Did he just change his name to Amaster, or something?

Cuz when i'm home alone....well....i...him...we...well "have sex" actually we just masturbate each other.

Tim: Okay barf bags, OPEN! We're gonna need them Graham: Homosexual bestiality? MAX, gimme your barf bag, computers can't throw up.  
MAX: Wanna bet? Mine's already full.

But it's amazing, it's like this cat can talk!, he comes every night to my bedroom door, and starts meowing, until i let him in, and when he does, he starts meowing a little softer and purrs, shall we say "erotically.

Tim: NO, WE SHANT!!!

Until i get with him on the bed and goes down my crotch trying to shred my underwear!.

MAX: SUUUUUURE he does.

Unbelivable, but true, that's why i called him Artemis.

Graham: I thought he was already CALLED Artemis

Intro: "Hi, i'm Oscar". "And i'm Artemis, Minako's ex-white cat"..."  
we're here to tell you, how we met, how we fell in love with each other,

Tim: Ex-white cat? Methinks you mean "previously Minako's white cat." Anyway he'd still belong, ownership papers and all.

and well how we lost our virginity. Oscar's an Hermaphrodite, i.e.=a boy that has a dick and pussy (with clit and everything) at the same time!!imagen that!"

Tim: I doubt that Artemis would be a virgin. Mating season and female cats, comprende?  
Graham: I'd prefer not to "Imagen" thank you Tim: Don't show the author gratitude "HEY!!!SHUT THE FUCK UP ARTEMIS!!" "Oops!sorry, Oscar" "Well, nevermind Artemis,soooo let's get on with the show!"

Tim: WHOA! THAT WAS JUST THE INTRO? What the fuck about that bit before that Stupid ass dialogue? This bodes not well for our immediate future guys. Graham: Why don't I like the sound of that?

Artemis's lover:

The day was unusually fresh, for being June/2/97 ,

MAX: as opposed to the day being a smelly half-decayed corpse, lying in the middle of the road Tim: you forgot the worms in the eye sockets

Oscar was walking on a lonely street,

Graham: It couldn't get a date to save its life MAX: The author or the street?  
Tim: Yes.

only with a Sprite bottle, and a WWF magazine.

Tim: I think the pages were stuck together. Not to mention he never said what the bottle was full of Graham: That did not sound right.  
Tim: wasn't s'posed to. Anyway It's still not half as sick as this 'fic

His toughts were racing on why he was so depress, he had always spyed on the sailor scouts, ever since luna caught up with Usagi,

MAX: This boy changes names more often than he does his underwear, I'll bet Graham: Judging by his laundry, that wouldn't be too hard for him.  
Tim: I'm noting that he started watching the scouts first when a cat joined.  
Wait a sec! that's when the scouts first started, stupid!!!

but most of all, when Artemis joined the group. He always tought "Why am i obsesed with that cat?" he than realized he had a crush on Artemis!! , even tough he was a boy, even tough Artemis was a cat.

MAX: he than realized? Even tough? He said he was thirteen, right? Tim: He must've been held back a few years, like all of them

But not an ordinary cat that is. He then squeezed the bottle so hard, it blew up, soaking his shirt, his pants, and his tennis.

Tim: He sure has a lot of strength to blow his bottle. Wait maybe it's a sick metaphor Graham: I don't know and I don't WANNA know

He was upset to know that he was in love with a cat! He knew were Minako lived, her adress, her phone number, and her P..

Tim: her bust size?  
Graham: her favorite place to buy underwear?  
MAX: Her favorite ways to toast perverts who lust after her cat? Tim: Hold it. Isn't what he's doing considered stalking? Not to mention "he knew were" GET SOME ENGLISH LESSONS BUB!

He said to himself "I'll do it...but i'll probably hate myself in the morning" he ran to his house, ihis bedroom, and started to write a letter to Artemis, sending it to Minako's place.

Tim: Hey, we hate you already!  
Graham: Wouldn't it be her parent's house? She doesn't own it, being a high school kid and all.  
Tim: Graham, don't question the author, TRASH HIM!

The next day, Minkao checked the mail and gasped when she saw an envelope that readed"To:Artemis From:.......".

MAX: Most letters don't have to: /from: on them Graham: Yeah, and I thought he was named Oscar, not "......." And I thought it was Minako, not Minkao.  
Tim: Readed? And he claims to be pubescent? Also, speaking of sex, and biology, since a hermaphrodite has to have two X's and one Y, usually a hermaph' manifests in a more female form, stupid kid.

She then yelled "Artemis!", Artemis still asleep, yawned and stretched the last bit of sleep from his beautyfull little body ."What is it Minako?" he asked,still asleep.

MAX: He stretched the sleep out of his body and was still sleepy? Graham: Maybe he got cloned?  
All: I think I'm a clone now... there's always two of me just a hangin' around.  
Tim: Beautyfull body? The Beast isn't gonna be happy with Artemis

"Artemis, you have a letter!" said Minako,giving him the envelope.  
"WHAT!??"he gasped

Graham: he go deaf or something?

"How can someone know my name, and my hability to talk?"he said shreding-open he envelope,

Tim: What about the author's lack of talent, spelling ability, etc?  
MAX: shredding should have two D's and be a separate word from open, and what's with the pronoun?

and said to Minako"Minako-chan, could you leave me alone for a moment?". "Sure" replied Minako, stepping out of the bedroom.  
Artemis readed the letter that said:

MAX: Artemis, you may already be a millionare!  
Tim: Mr. Artemis, we appreciate your joining the hair club for cats, enclosed in this letter is everything you need to...

"Dear Artemis:You don't know who i am, don't know what i am, don't know anything about me. But belive me......i know everything there's to know about you...

Tim: Really? Then what were the scores on his college entrance exams?  
Graham: what's his favorite cat food commercial?  
MAX: What's his favorite reason to kill a perverted freak?

i liked you since the moment i saw you. No one deserves you but me. Some day, some time,

Graham: Nobody but Oscar deserves Artemis. Quite the egotist, this hermaphrodite MAX: I suggest we chop his big head off Tim: No, hanging, drawing, and quartering would be a much better punishment for this fanfic

at the right moment, we'll i'll have you. Until then see ya!

Tim: Damn this kid is sending mixed signals, he sends a cryptic and threatening letter, and ends it with "until then, see ya"?  
Graham: Think he needs counseling?  
MAX: I think he needs to be put away in a little room.

Artemis gulped hard, and shivered, thinking that i would kill him. Minako entered the bedroom and said"Artemis, is everything all right?"  
Artemis looked whiter than usual

Tim: Tim growled, thinking how much he wanted to kill the author Graham: He's already a bleached white! how CAN he get whiter?  
MAX: The chickdick is on something?  
Tim: let's hope it OD's

"Yes quite fine" and left the room with a looked for the letter but he had thrown it to the window.

MAX: so he made friends with a sigh Tim: I see the future of this fanfic. I see garbage can. I see the pits of hell.  
Graham: head spinning, too many errors, must stop.

"I hope he's all right" Minako said stepping into the shower.

Tim: Alfred Hitchcock presents.  
Graham: Psycho?  
MAX: NO! The birds. Of course psycho!  
Tim: Worse, Actually. Oscar.

Artemis knew that he'd better be on the look out, if someone tried to kidnap had the same secuence in his mind, every second it passed.

Graham: What is a secuence?  
MAX: Sequence?  
Graham: Sequins?  
Tim: Secuence is how we kill Oscar after the fic is over

Asking himself things like= "Who's that person?" "Is he good or evil?" "What he'll do to me?".

Tim: Hey Graham, "Who's that Person-mon?"  
Graham: Hermabitch?  
Tim: close enough. And look, another grammar mistake "What he'll do".;  
Graham: Sounds German MAX: Back to the shower with Minako, bastard!

Around 9:00 pm Artemis showed up at Minako's house,curved up into a fuzzy ball and went to sleep. The next day Artemis woke up to the sound of chriiping birds "Damn birds"he said woking got up before Minako did,

MAX: of course the damn ball would be curved, stupid!  
Tim: Chriiping bird, isn't that from Africa?  
Graham: Woking up? the author must be Toking up.  
Tim: I think he's making up the ones he doesn't know as he goes by. Also, Minako sure has been "sleeping" a long time

so he went for a walk. Unfortunatelly, Luna caught him, "Hello Artemis,why are you so concerned". Artemis replied "Well luna, last day i recieved a letter from a secret person" Luna gasped"WHAT?!?

Tim: Isn't Unfortunatelly that big crime boss they busted in 86?  
Graham: CATS CAN'T GASP, EVEN TALKING ONES!  
MAX: Damn, Luna is an Idiot

That's impossible, no one except our sailor scouts know our name's and hability to talk"

Tim: But everyone knows Oscar can't spell. And the sailors own the cats!

Artemis still upset responded "I know...it told me that, it liked me since it saw me, and that some day i'll meet it" Luna sighed "Well, lets hope that's not the negaverse." Atemis looked at luna and said "CAN'T YOU THINK ANYTHING THAT'S NOT THE NEGAVERSE?!" he frogned and left her.

Graham: (imitating Luna) yes I can! I can think about my next meal, seeing Serena naked.  
Tim: Frogned, that's a Swedish city isn't it?  
MAX: maybe he threw a frog at her.  
Tim: And Graham, we don't need another homosexual bestialitistic relation. Luna is female

"Luna said to herself "Poor Artemis, it's not his fault" and just continued her path.  
Artemis was too perturbated to notice the 6 cats that were hcasing him.

Graham: Pertubated? that does not sound right Tim: I wanna know what Hcasing is

"Damn! i hate being such a sexy cat!!"

MAX: I thought he didn't know they were chasing him?  
Tim: You mean "Hcasing"  
Graham: I'm- too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat.  
Tim: I may require my hammer shortly, MAX.

Then a loud MEOW filled the air

Tim: Meow brought to you by Bignoise inc. makers of "KABOOM!" and "KAPOW!"

Artemis turned his back, and saw the other cats him "GET FUCK OFF MY BACK!YOU BASTARDS, I'M IN A REALLY BAD MOOD TODAY!"

Tim: Considering how cats mate, that DEFINITELY did not sound right Graham: well we knew Oscar was perverted, but why did we haveta see this, WHY?  
MAX: don't be such a grouch, man.  
Tim: WHAM-BAM-SLAM! I need to use that move to drive this guy through the pavement

he said as he prepared his claws and teeth to fight, he knew that he'll lost, but he couldn't just let those cats kick his butt without

Tim: He'll, I know him! He's He-man's brother.  
Graham: The author doesn't even know tenses!  
MAX: The author doesn't even know its own last name, and you expect it to know tenses?

a fight. The fight was rough, those cats began ripping him off,

Graham: Like charging him extra for movie tickets, but not allowing him to see the higher rated movies

cutting him in the stomach, his arm, his leg, his back and his ear.  
(OUCH!)

MAX: What, they got tiny switchblades?  
Tim: Only one leg? And an arm? What did they do to him at the vet?

Oscar was aruond that fight, returning from a baseball game, with his bat on the shoulder. Artemis was already badly wounded, and bleeding to death.

MAX: So he changed his name to aruond?  
Tim: And JUST HAPPENED to have a bat and be in the area at the time. THAT'S convenient

Oscar passed by the alley were Artemis was. Oscar gasped as he instantly recognized Artemis, he took his bat and ran to help him, he hitted 3 cats simultaneusly with it. BOOMSHACALAKA!

Tim: I HATE THAT DAMN GAME!  
MAX: maybe we can set him on fire later Graham: isn't that from the game?  
MAX: HUH? No, I seriously wanna set him on fire now Tim: Hitted? Simultaneusly? Oscar, ever hear of a spell checker?

blood spurted out from the craneum of the other cats,he actually broke the head of the one that wounded Artemis!

Tim: FUCKING BASTARD! I'M CALLING THE SPCA!  
Graham: and what did we just tell you about a spell checker?  
MAX: I thought they all wounded him? What's this one buisness?  
Tim: (calling SPCA) yes that's right, the hermaphrodite named Oscar, last name variable

The cats laid around dead, as Oscar grabbed Artemis, and huged him tightly, while covering him with his shirt,

Graham: Huged him? Like made him bigger?  
Tim: must be a big shirt to hold such a huged cat MAX: the cats laid around? What is wrong with this kid?

Artemis saw Oscar and he said weakly "W...Who are you?" then every thing went black...Oscar, with tears in his eyes, said to Artemis "Don't worry my dear Artemis, you'll be allright".

Graham: (mocking Oscar) as opposed to me, who will be in therapy for the rest of my life.

Artemis woke up to the sound of a door saw this and said crying "Artemis!!Thank god you're alive!!"

Graham: where are his parents throughout this thing?  
Tim: Yeah, and why would a kid named Oscar live in Tokyo anyway? Not to mention every OTHER inconsistency in this damn 'fic

Artemis tought "How does he know my name?" Artemis just meowed Oscar hearing this said "Oh Artemis, you don't have to pretend with me. It's all right you can talk". "Who are you?"Artemis asked still sour from the fight.

MAX: He gets beaten half to death and you would expect him to just forget about it? IDIOT ALERT!  
Tim: What, you just figured that out? Also, if alerts are going up, I declare HENTAI ALERT!

Oscar took a deep breath...and said "Artemis, i'm that guy who sent you that letter". Artemis gasped "WHAT?!?

TIM: GODAMNIT STOPIT WITH THE STUPID ALL CAPS "WHATS" OKAY? Sorry, I just hadda say it Graham: What? I think I've gone deaf. Oh no, wait, my eardrum just shattered

So you're the one!". Oscar looked a little scared and said "Sorry Artemis, i didn't meant to scare you. But how could i said my feelings to you in person?" Artemis coughed "hmmmm...you may have a point there"

Graham: yeah its not like you could have sent me an Email or called me, or sent me a fax, it'd be too impersonal right?  
Tim: Ya know, so far Oscar here is a homo-zoopheliac, meaning he wants to get it on with animals the same sex he is. I suspect he needs treatment of getting his head sliced in two.

Oscar looked him straight in the eyes and said "Artemis,  
i....i....love you. ever since i saw you, i knew it was our destiny to be together" Artemis got a little embarrased and said "I some how, feel the same for you Oscar,

MAX: but only for the script, otherwise you'd be kibble now, shitface!

but doesn't it matter that you're a human and i'm a cat? Oscar blushed and said"Well Artemis, i have a little secret you know...." Artemis

MAX: Very little, I'll bet...

looked him with an evilly smile "Hmmm. What secret?"

Tim: (mocking Oscar) Oh I killed Minako while she was taking a shower, but enough about me.  
Graham: Wasn't Evilly an actor from the forties?

Oscar took another deep breath and said "Artemis..i'm an HERMAPHRODITE" Artemis went wide eyed "NO KIDDING?". Oscar said "No" as he started to undress, Artemis was paralized, as he looked Oscar's dick, and below that his pussy,

Tim: THIS KID IS TOTALLY SICK! HE HAS NO DECENCY OR RIGHT TO SHOW US HIS DICK!  
Graham: Uh-oh he's started rhyming, that could mean trouble MAX: also you shouldn't use "an" in front of a word that starts with a consonant

Artemis had a goofy smile on his face. Oscar gasped "Uh? Oh you PERVERT!!" and slapped him silly "MEOWUCH!!". "Oops!sorry Artemis, how could i stay mad at you?"

Tim: SADIST! Hey wait, he smacked a CAT for looking at him, when he undressed his fucking ugly self! SPCA! SPCA! Loony bin too!  
MAX: Meowuch? Sounds like a pokemon reject

he then said "Now look Artemis, your wounds will get infected if i don't clean them,ok?" Artemis happily said "OK". And so Oscar turned the shower on, Artemis went inside with Oscar,and cleaned his soft fur, Artemis enjoyed Oscar's tact, rubbing his fur with a desinfectant soap,

Graham: He couldn't turn a shower on, he turns off appliances by walking past them!  
MAX: hey is it just me or is that shower pad made of cat fur?

while purring softly, he didn't like baths very much, but this was with his lover, so how could he resist a bath with his true love?

Tim: Simple. He could say no to whoever his true love is, and claw the eyes out of the sick freak holding him.

Then, they laid in the bed all stretched out, with Artemis's wounds now closed. Artemis broke the silence saying "Soooo" Oscar replied "Soo what?"

Tim: Sue the author for writing such crap. Also wounds do not close that fucking quickly, I should know. That is, unless Artemis ate some mermaid meat, and then he wouldn't need the disinfectant.

Artemis said evily "Are you still a virgin?" Oscar responded a little embarrased "Why yes, in fact i have been saved myself for you...my love"

Tim: I know the real reason he's a virgin Graham: Everyone hates him?  
Tim: That's putting it mildly, but yeah.

Oscar said, as he hugged Artemis and kissed in his lips,

(Simultaneous barfing going on)  
Tim: I'm calling Unfortuneatelly Jr., I'm getting a hitman to off Oscar MAX: I wanna do it myself!  
Graham: he does have a point

Artemis eventually opened his mouth letting Oscar's tounge to play with his.

MAX: BITE IT OFF! BITE IT OFF!  
Tim: How could this freak's tongue fit in Artemis' mouth unless it's as small as his dick?

Oscar then went south, caressing all of Artemis's parts along the way with his tounge. He didn't care for his reached his

Tim: If he didn't care for fur, then why is he in love with a cat? Not to mention, THAT SENTENCE WAS TOTALLY RANDOM!

little dick,stroking it with his fingers, and licking it as if it was a clit.

Graham: KILL THE BITCH!  
Tim: GGGGGRRRRRRRRR!  
Graham: Oh crap, I think he's going nekoken (Tim rips the screen to shreds, unfortunately, a new one descends to replace the shredded one, the process repeats several times until Tim calms down)

The next day...Oscar woke up and didn't saw Artemis anywhere,he grew concerned, "Artemis!?" he shouted to see if he was around, he looked everywhere, but only found a note that said

Tim: Oscar, I hate you, you sick bastard! I found your scrapbook full of pictures of Shampoo's cat form!  
Graham: HAHA! You fell for it! Now you've been infected with cat-itis! I'd tell you what the disease does, but I'd prefer you find out on your own.  
MAX: Oscar, I have joined the Foreign Legion, and I have called the SPCA and the local insane asylum to retrieve you. That is all. This message will self-destruct in three.  
Tim: Someone needs to "Get Smart" and 86' Oscar. Not too mention, didn't saw? GRAMMAR LESSONS!

"Dear Oscar=I went over to Minako's house to talk about what just happened between you and me, i'll be all right, i'll return for about 10:00am. Love you Artemis

Graham: this boy needs to be put in an institution, he's sick!  
Tim: I've known that and I've been saying it all along!  
MAX: "I'll return for about 10:00 am." That sentence was just WRONG!  
Tim: And the cats can't write! They have no thumbs!

It was 9:35am. when Artemis returned, Oscar asked him "Soo, how did everything went?" Artemis responded "Well...it was hard to Minako and the others tho admit, that i was in love with a hermaphrodite, but they at the end understood. even Luna"

MAX: oh yeah, actually I didn't have to explain to Minako, apparently someone had killed her. Hey, what are those red spots on your clothes?  
Graham: how did everything went. BACK TO KINDERGARDEN, OSCAR Tim: Actually, bad idea, he'd try to screw the little kids.

Artemis sighed . Oscar said "Well,i'll protect you in every battle you go with the sailor scouts"

Tim: I thought he just left the sailor scouts!  
Graham: and like a thirteen year old with no abilities could handle the negaverse.  
MAX: I dunno, the sailor scouts seem to do it often Tim: SLAM! But wait, even when the show started Serena/ Usagi/ Bunny/ Serenity was fourteen, which reminds me, when the fuck does this story take place in the sailor moon universe?!?!?

Artemis looked happy to hear that "Thanks Oscar, You're indeed a great person....and boyfriend" Oscar replied "Right" and they went to the kitchen to eat.....

Tim: I believe you mean a lousy itfriend.

THE END

Graham: Finally!

.....FOR NOW

MAX: NO, god, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Tim: If Oscar makes a sequel, I will take back my vow of never taking a human life just for his case.

(The outer room)

Tim: Okay what did you freaks think of this 'fic?  
Graham: This thing just plain sucked, it was stupid, it was perverted, and he couldn't spell or use proper grammar at all MAX: I especially thought it was all a bit OOC for Artemis to act like that. Also everything seemed too... convenient to be realistic.  
Tim: I hated this fic since the first part, I mean he wanted to have sex with a CAT for god sakes, a male at that. Not to mention, spelling was horrible, grammar sucked ass, and the dialogues were too bad to even describe how much they sucked.

Tim: To sum up, this 'fic deserves to rot in hell with its author. He also deserves to be punished in the name of all that is good, decent and not Oscar.  
MAX: Don't forget the moon.

Graham: Ya wanna head back to the commons room, guys?

MAX: Naw, lets get some girls up here and make this place live up to its name.

(Artlu's place)  
DAMNIT! Well you got through the first one, but I swear that I will beat you yet. I shall be triumphant in the end! (He hits the signal end button in his rantings)

THE END ***

"Damn! i hate being such a sexy cat!!"

Send all comments and criticisms to /  
or to /  
Unless you are the author, then send comments up your ass 


End file.
